Someone who lost her father told me that when it happened, her world shifted. I understand what she meant. There is no pain like losing someone you deeply love, whether it’s a parent, a partner or a child. It’s indescribable. If you’ve experienced it, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, you certainly will. No one gets out of this life alive. Not even those we deeply love.
As fragile human beings, however, our strong preference is to avoid pain. This is sensible. Evolution gave us sensitivity to pain, whether physical or emotional, in order to help us survive. Physical pain helps us avoid mortal danger. Emotional pain helps us prevent social threat. And though we have no choice but to experience pain at times, it is natural to want to know when the pain will subside and end. No one wants to continue experiencing pain.
Grief is pain. When anyone of us experiences the loss of an important presence in our lives, “grief” is the name we give to that almost unbearable instance of emotional pain, a pain that makes us imagine that not only is our identity under threat but our also entire world. The world shifts. And it is fair and reasonable and even hopeful to wonder when the grief will pass. We wonder what the timeline of grief is.
Hearts do hollow out. They shatter. But with time, hearts heal and recover.
But even as pain subsides grief never fully goes away. Something will bring it back from the depths of the heart to the very surface. A memory will be evoked by a song, an action you learned at the feet of the one who taught you, a primary trait you share with the one you lost—or a show you used to watch with the one you love. When that happens, what had lain dormant returns, reminding you that it had always been there.
So what is the timeline of grief? It is for the rest of your life. That ache will always be there.
And that is as it should be. That’s the way you would want it to be. Because the timeline of grief is exactly the timeline of love. And when you love someone deeply enough, your love for them—and their love for you—will also last for the rest of your life.
And love is forever.
May you remember and savor well on this day, All Souls’ Day.